


Five Fails of Hubert von Vestra

by princessdragonsun



Series: Three Houses Crack [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, BYLETH isn't paid enough to deal with these idiots, Bernadetta von Varley Needs a Hug, Byleth knows, Crack Treated Seriously, Edelgard isn't paid enough for dealing with-wait she's not being paid at all, Female My Unit | Byleth, Ferdinand doesn't deserve the treatment he gets, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Black Eagles Route, Gen, Hubert being scary just for the heck of it, Hubert von Vestra being an Idiot, Hubert-Centric, Minor Character Death, Not Canon Compliant, Spoilers for Pre-Timeskip | Academy Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), no beta we die like Glenn, take it with a grain of salt, you'll understand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22157446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessdragonsun/pseuds/princessdragonsun
Summary: Alternatively titled 'Four Times Hubert Doesn't Regret a So-Called Mistake and the One Time He Does'.Hubert makes five 'little' mistakes only one of which he actually regrets.
Relationships: Bernadetta von Varley & Hubert von Vestra, Edelgard von Hresvelg & Hubert von Vestra, Edelgard von Hresvelg & My Unit | Byleth, Ferdinand von Aegir & Hubert von Vestra, My Unit | Byleth & Hubert von Vestra
Series: Three Houses Crack [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1624795
Kudos: 41





	1. The Assassin

It was another normal weekend at the Officer's Academy. Or it would have been if Hubert and Edelgard weren't around. It wasn't their fault for the sudden disturbance despite what they had set out to do. The would-be assassin really didn't know what he had been getting into, honestly. If he had then he wouldn't five feet away from the Imperial Princess's loyal guardian without realizing he'd been found.

"It's rude to point things at people, you know," Hubert drawled as he closed in on the sniper aiming an arrow at Edelgard.

The assassin startled with a cry, nearly dropping his weapon in surprise and accidentally releasing his arrow. It missed dramatically, catching the Princess's attention and causing a bit of a scene. Especially when Hubert had the man in a chokehold from behind.

"Hubert, what is going on?" Edelgard demanded when she approached them.

"I simply stopped your would-be assassin from killing you."

"Well, don't break his neck-"

A sickening crack interrupted her before she could finish her sentence and the assassin fell limp in Hubert's hold.

Edelgard, hardly phased by the death, sighed and pressed a hand to her forehead in exasperation, "We could have interrogated him, you know."

Hubert let the lifeless body drop to the cold stone floor with hardly an ounce of regret, "Oops."


	2. It's Not Stalking

Bernadetta had been looking forward to finding a nice book in the library so she could relax in her room and read. It was supposed to be a quick trip, in and out. Of course, it couldn't ever be that simple for her. That would just be too much to ask for, wouldn't it? The second the room got colder, she knew who was there. 

"Hello, there."

Spinning around, she came face to face with Hubert in all his smug-looking, vampire-like visage and let out a small screech.

"Hubert! I-I-I swear, whatever it is, I didn't do it! How long have you been following me?! You're stalking me, aren't you?"

The mage simply folded his arms and huffed, "It's not stalking, it's observation. And you left this in the dining hall."

He offered her sewing that had previously been tucked away in a pocket but Bernie only flinched away from him.

"No! It's a trap! It has to be!"

Hubert sighed, "Just take it."

"Oh, no...! You're angry now, aren't you? I'm sorry! Please, don't kill me!" 

With that, Bernadetta bolted out of the library before Hubert could get a word in. With an irritated groan, he made his way to her room to leave it there. If he was lucky, she had run to hide somewhere else and he would be able to.


	3. Dining Hall Mishap

Hubert was quite experienced with cooking, meat and fish being his specialty. But cooking all on his lonesome could get rather boring. He wanted something to spice things up, so to speak. With that in mind, he entered the dining hall. There weren't many students or staff members there considering the time of day but Lady Edelgard and the Professor were having a conversation by the Bulletin Board regardless. He frowned at the sight, multiple ideas on how to murder the blue-haired woman crossing his mind in the few seconds he watched them before moving on.

Clearing his throat, he addressed the present students, "Would anyone like to join me in cooking a meal?"

One male student, one of the Black Eagles, looked ready to faint at the suggestion. Amused at the sight, Hubert let out one of his ominous-sounding chuckles. Unfortunately, the sound startled the few students into bolting out the nearest doors, save for the one who had seemingly passed out. Lady Edelgard did not share Hubert's amusement and checked the student's condition. Byleth gave Hubert one of her 'I am disappointed' looks, not that it phased him in the slightest.

"I have no idea how you managed it, but you somehow frightened him to death," Edelgard said, getting to her feet.

Hubert lifted a brow, intrigued more than guilty, "Truly? Well, that gives me another option for assassination, at least."

Byleth's 'I am disappointed' look turned into a 'We will be discussing this later' one as she crossed her arms.

Huffing, the mage shook his head, "Believe it or not, I did not do it on purpose. I really was looking for someone to cook with me. I was bored."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it too late to mention that my sister came up with this storyline? She has a knack for ridiculous storytelling, verbally anyway. I simply modified it slightly while still keeping the core events the same. Mostly. The first one was almost an exact version of the one she gave. The second was a little more modified. The next one will be the most modified so that it's at least somewhat in character.


	4. Tutoring

Ferdinand prided himself on his skill in so many areas, so when he was called upon by the Professor and told that he needed a tutor... he was less than thrilled. He was supposed to be a jack of all trades! Even better than Edelgard! But this...

”Your ability to use Reason magic could use some work.”

Ferdinand sighed and nodded, “I understand. I will do better. Who will be tutoring me?”

Byleth shifted her gaze behind him, “Hubert will.”

Ferdinand jolted in shock and turned to look at the mage behind him who shot him a sinister smirk, “What?! Work with _him_?! Nooo-!“

Ferdinand shot up in his bed, sucking in a gasp before realizing where he was. Relieved, he exhaled and relaxed.

”Oh, it was just a dream...”

”What was just a dream?”

An undignified squawk of surprise tore itself from Ferdinand’s throat as he spun around to look at Hubert who had been standing just out of view.

”What the-?! What are you doing in here?!”

”I was told to take you back to your room after you fainted when the Professor announced your tutor.”

_Two weeks later..._

”Professor, I cant deal with him anymore! I have no issues with having a tutor but this cannot carry on as it has!”

Byleth glanced up from grading papers, “What seems to be the problem, Ferdinand?”

”I can get absolutely nothing done with Hubert as my tutor! Professor, please, assign someone else. I would even take Edelgard over him!”

Setting down her quill, Byleth focused all of her attention on her student, “Except that Edelgard is no better at it than you are. The only reason you’re in need of a tutor is because of the Class you wish to pursue. If you won’t take Hubert as your tutor, you can choose between Dorothea and Linhardt.”

“Uh...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Hubert is barely in this one but eh.... he was going to have a bigger role but I simply decided that Ferdie would have been too out of character.


	5. And Then...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep in mind that this is completely stupid and not supposed to be serious whatsoever.

Hubert had been hearing rumors floating around about their dear professor as of late. He had heard that Dorothea had been the one to start it. Though, knowing better than to believe such outlandish rumors, he found himself curious and sought out Byleth to find out the truth. He found the woman looking out at the fishing pond but she noticed him the second he arrived. Thankfully, the place was empty.

”Professor,” Hubert greeted.

Byleth returned her blank gaze to the water, “Hubert. Is there something I can help you with?”

”Simply satisfying my curiosity. I heard rumors that you don’t have a heartbeat.”

”The rumors are true. I don’t have one.”

Hubert lifted a brow and pulled out a stethoscope that he had _conveniently_ tucked away in a pocket, "I suppose I'll be the judge of that."

Using the instrument, he listened and, to his surprise, she really didn't have a heartbeat, "Huh... you really don't... How are you even alive?!"

"I've been like this since I was a baby."

Edelgard, who had been passing by, noticed the two talking. Curious, she walked over to join them.

"Hubert, Professor, is something wrong?" she asked, noting the lingering bewilderment on her guardian's face.

"Lady Edelgard, it would appear that our dear Professor does not have a heartbeat."

"Hah... A jest. Very funny, you two."

Hubert simply offered the stethoscope to her and stepped aside. Bemused, she indulged him and...

There was nothing.

”Well, Hubert, I never would have believed it if I hadn’t heard it.”

”You couldn’t have heard anything. There was nothing there.”

”Exactly.”

”So, when are we going to get to the point where we betray Rhea?” Byleth questioned out of the blue, startling her two students.

Edelgard and Hubert stiffened and the latter went for a hidden weapon.

”Where did you hear that?” the Imperial Princess demanded, eyes turning stony.

“Oh, I heard Hubert talking about it with you and Jeritza.”

”You heard that?! I thought Hubert secured the area!”

Hubert nodded, “I _did_.”

Byleth shrugged noncommittally, “I followed a trail of bread crumbs.”

”Bread crumbs?!”

Edelgard facepalmed, “Dang it, Jeritza!”

”No, actually it was cake crumbs now that I think about it,” Byleth corrected herself.

”Double dang it!”

Hubert started powering up a spell, “Lady Edelgard, allow me to dispose of-“

Byleth cleared her throat, “I did say ‘we’ when I mentioned betraying Rhea.”

“You would join us?”

”I will not repeat myself.”

Edelgard blinked, “Just like that? You would follow us?”

”I have my own reasons for betraying Rhea, only one of them being the fact that my father ran from her for twenty years and told me not to trust her.”

”Self-interest is one thing I can trust, I suppose.”

And so Crimson Flower happened but Byleth sides with Edelgard earlier and also affects some of her actions.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the absolute closest to the original. I actually went to my sister and wrote this almost word for word. Her version just gets longer and longer and crazier. It ends with Byleth killing Rhea during the Academy phase btw. And everyone throwing a huge party. And Byleth telling Jeralt that she has ‘a third eye that can see into the future’. That is exactly what she said.


End file.
